I should have known I was going to crash and burn, but I was ignoring the signs. In fact, I missed all the signs. Basically I think It would been easier if someone stood in front of me naked with a sandwich board.Saying,”Get Help!” It wasn’t until I started living with the repercussions of my actions during the weeks I was manic.
A few weeks ago I started a business called Suddenly Bubbles. I started buying melt and pour soap without propylene glycol, or titanium dioxide. Then I started making whipped body butter and sugar scrubs. I had one speed and it was go, go go. I was like a machine getting my products ready.
I created an awesome logo. Made labels for the products and bought the ingredients to finish making the products.
I was also getting ready for the big grand opening that was going to be in the office of our garage. I had to remove everything that was thrown in the room for the past 10 years. Paint it and clean the floors.Picking out the perfect colors. I made curtains to cover the windows.. I made sure I had all the legal papers to start such a business. I made a website. I also put items on etsy.com.
I bought a sign for my front yard, along with decorating around the sign with painted tires in different colors to make a garden. ( I still haven’t planted any flowers.) Then when everything was done. I had a ton of soap, and body products, that no one bought. Meanwhile, during this time I spent over $5000 in a month. Yes, a month. If this wasn’t a clue, I don’t know what is. I could go on, but I think you get the idea.
I always say, “what goes up must come down.” It did. I started withdrawing and getting more and more depressed. And needless to say, my husband Greg was not happy about the money spent. Especially since we needed a new roof for our 100 year old home. One clue should have been the shingles on the lawn. I couldn’t blame him for being angry. But at this point I couldn’t do anything other than apologize and fall deeper in depression for what I had done.
My eldest, Michael, turned 23, and my youngest ,Bryce, graduated High School all in the same week. I was getting older,the kids were getting older. I knew I was sliding then but I couldn’t do anything about it.
The night before Bryce’s graduation, he wanted to go out to dinner to celebrate his graduation. I called Greg, but no answer. This meant one thing. HE WAS IN THE TAVERN. I must have called for hours when Bryce finally went to bed. “That’s ok. I am use to it,” he said as he headed up the stairs to go to bed. Those words cut like a knife. It was bad enough that I dealt with Greg’s drinking, but I didn’t realize how it affected the kids or at least I had the delution that the kids were not effected. It was like I shielded my eyes from seeing what was happening.
He came home about 9:30, my anger engolfed me. Screaming,”It’s bad enough you do this to me, but now you are doing it to the kids.” I turned on my heels and went up to bed crying. I should tell you that Greg got laid off that day, but I didn’t care.
I was awakened to him bumping into the closet door. He had to go to the bathroom, but couldn’t find the door that left the bedroom to the downstairs bathroom. I had to turn on the light. He was going to pee in the closet. Nice. It’s not like he hasn’t done that before.
The following day, Friday, was Bryce’s graduation and he stayed sober and was on his best behavior. I was so proud of Bryce. He had struggled in High School and at one point wanted to drop out. He stuck it out and got his diploma. That night he stayed at the school lock in and the following night he had to work making it a little difficult to find the time to take him out for dinner. He worked on a neighboring farm as well as Greg.
On Sunday, I called Greg to tell him we should take Bryce out to dinner for Graduation, but again he didn’t answer the phone. I called for three hours until Bryce told me to check out THE ROCKY TOP, and as I drove to the corner I saw Greg taking a friend home. As he drove back towards me, I drove in his lane to make him stop. I wasn’t really thinking that he may not stop, but that is another story. I instantly started screaming at him about how he is letting down his family. He ignored me and drove towards home. I was past angry. I was Irrational. I felt the pain of the past 20 years.
I got home, and stormed to him and went after him like a freight train. I was like a hurt animal. I charged him like a rhino and yes, I started hitting him. First in the face and he tried to restrain me while I was calling him a “FUCKING DRUNK.” Not exactly the best way to handle the situation. Later I regretted what I had done. He never hit me back, he stood his ground, but then walked away from the situation. We still took Bryce out to dinner, but it was a quiet evening with us not talking to each other. Poor Bryce.
I later apologized, but I knew that wasn’t enough. I knew I had a problem. I never went after anyone like that. Afterwards I just sobbed.
I had been without a Psychologist for about a year and a half. I was getting my meds from my family doctor, but he really didn’t know about psychiatric drugs. I had been looking for a Psychologist, but they couldn’t find one in my area that was in my network.
I knew I was going to have to go inpatient, again! I just wanted to crawl in a hole and die. I called the insurance company again to get help, but they told me that, that day was my last day with their company. I started to panic and called the union hall to find out that they were switching to a new network. I was pissed. I was sick of running through hoops, but this actually worked out to my advantage.
They covered my old Psychologist, but he no longer took outpatients. Another road block. I called 25 different doctors that were in my network, both in Appleton and Green Bay. The Psychiatrists told me I needed a doctors referral and there would be a wait of two months to a year. I couldn’t believe it was so difficult to get help. They pretty much told me that the only way I could get the help I needed was to go inpatient. All this happened on Friday, but I had my niece's graduation party on Sunday and My girlfriend needed a ride to Mayo for cancer treatment the next week so even though I Knew I was sliding there was nothing I could do about it. I was her last option to take her on the 5 hour drive to Mayo in Rochester on Tuesday, stay over, and come back Wednesday.
This meant that the soonest I could go in was on Thursday. I got through all of my prior engagements and Greg took me in. I started tearing up in the waiting room and when I was in the emergency room I had to tell the doctor that “My medication isn’t working and I don’t want to hurt myself or anyone else.“ How degrading. I felt helpless.
This hospital was stricter than the previous hospital that I was inpatient. As they checked me in they took blood samples to check my drug levels. I am a difficult draw, so it took five tries before they got enough blood. I was totally black and blue. They probably thought I did heroin too. Meanwhile, they took all of my clothes and made me wear a gown until they had time to go through the clothes and luggage. This took a couple of hours because they had quite a few new patients. They had to look for any strings such as laces, or drawstrings. They also checked for drugs and anything you could harm yourself or others with.
It was embarrassing being the only one in the room wearing a gown. I was hoping nothing popped out. Before I had to go into group, the nurse gave me a tour and showed me to my room. We went past a room, where the door opened and I saw monitors with the view of every room. I was shocked, I never expected that. I had been inpatient two other times and they never did that. I was already feeling like my personal space was being violated and had a lack of control. They had total control of what I did and when I did it. I felt like a child.
The first night there was a girl that started throwing things and acting out. I know she was there for help, but this did not help my anxiety. I could feel my body shaking. It felt like I couldn’t escape the anxiety that was growing inside my body. I went to the nurses desk and asked for valium. Thank god the doctor had an order for the drug so that I could be relieved from the symptoms that continued to build.
The night security stayed by her room all night to keep her under control. The following day a nurse had to watch her by following her like ducklings follows its mother. They still had difficulty controlling her. She went from door to door slamming it to make sure it was closed. Bang! Bang! Bang! over and over again. Making me jump each time she slammed the door.
Again I took valium to get through it.
I saw the doctor for the first time that day. Again I saw Dr. Fischer. Because I had a history with him, they let me see him. In a way I was relieved, but I was also fearful that Ect’s would be one of the number one ways to control my moods. I was thankful that he adjusted my meds and we decided to use Ect’s as a last result. This immediately removed some of the anxiety I was experiencing. I can only relate it to a student who just passed their finals.
